I am 21 and even now my hangovers aren't what they used to be. Often riddled with both the physical and emotional ramifications of the night before - enter, hang-xiety - I have put together all the things I have learned about how to cure a hangover. Probably this will be a sorry excuse for a hangover cure when I'm 25. Or 30. Or 40. Let's not get into that, the morning after is really no time for existential dread.
Wake up early(ish). I know a 9:00am start after a 4:00am bedtime seems counterproductive - but hear me out. It is a very important component for step 6.
Immediately drink a full glass of water (nothing new there), and go and do something vaguely active that is outside. It can be anything from a brisk walk to a sea swim. Just do something slightly active outdoors. N.B. Make sure this activity does not require too much energy; it should only take about 45 mins of actual physical activity, and beyond that you might get too jaded for steps 4 and 5. I find that combining this step with step 4 by walking to a supermarket to do my weekly shop is an elite combo.
Have a tea (or a coffee - weirdos). And some breakfast. *This step is optional and dependent on where you are on the Hangover Scale. Refer to the bottom of the page for the scale. It is crucial to consider the scale here because the caffeine intake could negatively impact step 6 if you are not quite hungover and tired enough. Alternatively, if you are too hungover, a full English might not be the best idea.*
Do chores with some music/a podcast/a TV show on in the background. Are all your clothes piled up on the floor-drobe from deciding what to wear the night before? Put them away. Maybe you have a wash you could put in, or new sheets to put on your bed. It is vital that this task is still a movement focused one. Attempting to do your reading for a Ulysses module, for example, is really not what we are going for here.
Go for a shower. I can't stress this enough. The point of all these steps is to give yourself the feeling of multiple fresh starts and accomplishments, and this is one of the easier ways to do that. It is also very helpful in preparation for step 6. If you are not quite feeling up to a shower, just brushing your teeth and washing your face will do the job.
Go for a nap. Aaaah. Here is where you reap the rewards of steps 1-5. You are clean, hydrated and replete from a humble bowl of porridge, your little walk has improved your circulation and reminded you that some air doesn't smell like the beery stink of a drunk person's bedroom. Maybe in following step 4 you are climbing into fresh, laundered bedsheets. I would recommend for this nap to only last up to an hour and half, although this can be altered depending on your position on the aforementioned Hangover Scale (pictured below). If you are waking up again around 2:30pm or 3:00pm, then that is ideal.
Read Ulysses. Or do whatever similar job has been playing on your mind. Step 7 should be doing the most difficult task you need done by the end of the day. Whether this is reading Ulysses or choosing a film to watch - now, post-nap, is the time to do that thing. You should set yourself a time limit, and this time limit should ideally be at least an hour or so before sunset. E.g. if you wake up from step 6 at 2:30pm, aim to be done with your task by 4:00pm. Step 7 should be accompanied by snacks of varying sweet and savoury flavours; my recommendation is popcorn.
Consort with another human being. Some prefer unpacking details of the night before earlier in the day, for example over a step 3 breakfast, but if you are so hungover that step 3 is not an option as per the Hangover Scale, step 8 is when the dance-move analysing should begin. When your 'big task' for the day is already out of the way, and any anxiety-inducing conversations can be dealt with after having already napped. I find that talking to someone, or even sitting in silence while you watch Naked Attraction reruns is a surefire way to remind you that you are still human, despite the evil hangover demon currently possessing your mortal form.
Don't drink again that evening. 'Hair of the dog' is not a good idea I promise.
Eat a good dinner. Eating something vaguely fresh - even if the closest you can get to that is the sad shrivelled mushrooms on a frozen pizza - will work wonders.
Avoid your phone and read a book. Or a magazine. Or literally anything that isn't your phone. Your hang-xiety will be desperate for you to pick up your phone and examine who you called at 2:00am, or who called you, or to scroll endlessly on Instagram looking at people not wallowing in their own booze-sweat and shame. Don't succumb to it. Whatever you do. And especially not before bed.
Sleep it off. This one is self-evident. Good luck and godspeed to you, dear reader.
I am writing this horrendously hungover, and about to break step 9. Don't trust a word I'm saying.
THE HANGOVER SCALE
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